MLS Scores a Touchdown
by Barry Pimento

David Beckham taps into America on a five-year deal with Major League Soccer franchise LA Galaxy worth £128m. "He is coming here to be a soccer player," said Tim Leiweke, president of sports and entertainment giant AEG, which owns the Californian team. Countered a more ascerbic Sunil Gulati: "The people who are buying tickets now, and the people who AEG are targeting, are not soccer consumers, they are people who are going to turn up to watch some handsome and apparently famous guy plodding around. It's as ridiculous as the US National team getting a German star to be coach." The US Soccer beacon was quickly gagged and led off by Alexi Lalas and assorted aides with black suits one size too small. It is believed that MLS may have done a 'London Bridge', inadvertently buying the wrong target, mistaking Beckham for a right midfielder with real world-class talent, namely Aaron Lennon of Tottenham Hotspur, a franchise close to the Beckham ranch in the Hertfordshire prairie. "Well he spoke with a London accent," gushed Leiweke (Lennon has a Yorkshire lilt), "and he plays in a white shirt. Sheesh already." "Are you sure this is the dude?" However, MLS Commissionar Don Garber assured the press: "We really want to surge this league. Unfortunately, Serge is a hairdresser on Rodeo Drive and plays soccer worse than Becks, so we went with the next best thing. He's the Billy Bonds of soccer. He's all about field goals. Look at his box scores. This is what the Home Improvement center has been waiting for." MLS is unique in the pantheon of soccer leagues in that every club is guaranteed a place in the playoffs, and all go through to win and thus share the championship equally. The theory is that if everyone's a winner, American fans will be happier. This vision was immortalized in a song by Hot Chocolate. "We don't like losing, that's why we're gonna kick Iraq's ass not pull out," said Garber, whose previous claim to fame was a failed attempt to "surge" American Football in Europe ("The Krauts dug it," he concluded). The bottom line, though, for Garber, is that "Bexie will both assist and score mega touchdowns. He's not just a linebacker, he's outfield and dee-fence too. Bottom line, he'll surge the rookies." MLS has informed the opposing franchises to ensure that Los Angeles will be the champions of the league. "Even though all teams win the league equally of course, they will be declared the world series champions of all champions. This is policy. We're running a business here." For his part, David Beckham chortled: "For the money? I'm sure some people think that I have not got the brains to be that clever. But I do have the brains. At the end of the day, Victoria has no wish to see me in tight gold pants being a place kicker for an American football team. I've been told I'll get one wildcard free kick per quarter." "Wotever, innit," added his slender, bored wife. Will he achieve his, uh, goal? "I got kicked out of Man Yoo, England dumped me, and I flopped at Real Madrid. Even with the lower standard of MLS, I feel if I put my mind to it, at the end of the day, I can flop here too, even though they will be telling tht other blokes not to hurt me or show me up." Lalas beamed: "This is just the beginning. Even now, we are talking to an exciting household name who is Dutch and plays for Tattenham, which is almost Arsenal, you know, who have Henry. This is not just another draft trade from like the Cincinnati Hooters. To give you a clue, his orange goggles will become a household icon all across our great nation. I'm very bulldogish about our league's profile."